Leaving England

This is a blog post I really do not want to write, but I think I need to write. Life has been so busy with moving and wedding planning lately, it has been easy not to think about the sadness of leaving, and how close I am to it. But now that the household shipments are gone, and I am in a lodging room on base with no “chores” to do, I don’t have much excuse not to face how I feel about leaving England next week.

Two years, 11 months, and 8 days ago, I landed at Heathrow with my eyes as big as saucers, nose pressed to the airplane window, taking in the fleet of British Airways jets and unfamiliar-looking cars and trucks driving around the airfield. I felt like I was landing in a new world, and couldn’t wait to start my “Big Adventure”. My friend Jose picked me up at the airport, and I fought to stay awake the whole 2-hour drive to Lakenheath, afraid to miss seeing a single thing. Because base lodging was full, I was checked in to a historic hotel in Lakenheath village, and I almost went through the roof with excitement when I saw the elegant English décor. I might as well have been checking into a castle.

Jose had a squadron softball game that night and offered to take me and introduce me to people, which of course I accepted. He suggested I take a nap until he came back to pick me up. Fat chance. I bolted for the door and wandered the village with my camera, taking in everything I possibly could, until it started raining and then hailing. I retreated to my hotel room, but sat on the windowsill watching the rain fall on the picturesque village street, wondering if I was in a dream. Two years, 11 months, and 8 days later… I still wonder that.

My assignment to Lakenheath was a dream come true from the moment I got the news, even though looking back, I had no idea of the life-changing opportunities and experiences I would have here. I remember sitting in my former commander’s office at Barksdale, shortly before I left, talking about my plans and goals for the assignment. Lt Col D was someone I looked up to and respected, and who encouraged the adventurous and independent side of me that I’m not sure I knew existed before. I told him that I was going to look for a travel buddy once I got here to sightsee with. He looked straight at me and said “Heidi, don’t wait. Don’t waste any opportunity you have to see the world, because you will never regret a single trip you take.”

I took him seriously, and never sat still for a moment that I thought could be better used exploring. Before I met Martin (who became my forever travel buddy!), my camera was the only companion I needed, and I refused to sit still with a whole big world out there to see. During my first few months here, I went to a castle or historic site almost every weekend. I went TDY to Germany, and got to see Neuschwanstein, my dream castle. I went TDY to France, and volunteered to work the night shift so I could go nearby castles during the day, sleeping just a few hours in the evenings.

Once Martin entered the picture, Lakenheath took on even more significance as the place that I met, fell in love with, and became engaged to my future husband. The memories we made traveling all over Europe together will be treasured as some of the first bonds in our growing relationship. How many couples can remember their first two years together in terms of sunny Spanish beaches, snorkeling on the coast of Greek islands, riding four-wheelers through the desert in Morocco, and so many more adventures that we were blessed to share with each other?

Have you ever felt so connected to a place that you just felt like you belonged there, like you were meant to be there all along? Like every time you look around and take it all in, your heart feels like it is so full of beauty and joy and amazement that it might explode because it can’t be contained? That is how I feel about England, and I think the hardest thing about leaving is being afraid I may not find that anywhere else. I spent so long being jealous of other people who got to live my dream, and then I actually got the chance to live it myself… and I don’t want to give it up now.

Two weeks ago, I ran my favorite 5-mile route through Bury St Edmunds on a sunny Saturday morning. I didn’t take my iPod, just decided to run and take in the scenery. I ran past houses and cottages hundreds of years old. I ran through the bright blooming flowerbeds and the 1000-year-old abbey ruins in Abbey Gardens. I ran on a dirt path past fields of long grass rippling in the wind. I ran past sheep grazing in the sun. I ran past groups of people heading into the town for Market Day. I didn’t intend for it to be my last run in Bury, but two days later, a minor back injury from lifting weights sidelined me from running. At first I was frustrated and upset that I didn’t get to have a “last run” in the town that I considered home here. But when I really thought about it, what better run to remember than the one I had already done? Even now that I am cleared to run again, I’m going to stay on base and leave that last beautiful, perfect morning run in Bury at the front of my memory.

Though there were ups and downs at work in the last 3 years, I will truly miss being a part of the 48th Fighter Wing. I grew exponentially as a person and an officer though my experiences here. I went from not even knowing the structure of a Wing (my first assignment was a tenant unit), to being involved with almost every function and office on base. I saw senior leaders actually make decisions based on information I gave them. I got to lead a weather unit for the largest international flying exercise in the world, Red Flag. I found many mentors to watch and learn from, and gained the confidence to make tough decisions and stand up for the right way to do things. I was called in the middle of the night to help plan the first wave of a real strike mission. Being a part of the Operations Group has been a crazy ride, but one I will remember for the rest of my career.

Though I am leaving England a week from tomorrow, I have to remind myself that “Heidi’s Big Adventure” is not over. When the plane takes off from London, it will feel like part of my heart is being left on the ground… but I’ll be off to start a new adventure in Arizona, one that I am sure holds more joys and memories than I could ever imagine.

Anticipation

On December 14th, the list of possible assignments for Martin and I to move to next summer was released. I would like to say that I was excited about this, but in reality… I was terrified. The assignment process is stressful enough as it is, but now with two people and two careers to consider, it is especially daunting. I worried that we wouldn’t have any bases in common, or that the only ones we had in common would not be good career choices for one or both of us. Obviously, our first priority is to be together, but in an ever-downsizing Air Force, it is important that we both fill certain job types within our career fields.

When the lists dropped, the biggest shock was the sheer number of jobs available, especially for me. Previous cycles have listed about 20-30 jobs, yet this cycle had over 100 listings. I never thought I would say there were “too many” possibilities, but this was ridiculous. Trying to shave that list down to jobs that were “right” for me was an overwhelming task, which I had to put off until the weekend when I actually had time to read all of the details and descriptions. Martin narrowed his list down pretty quickly, then we spent several days talking over the pros and cons of jobs and bases that we liked/disliked.

We turned in our requests yesterday, and after they go through our leadership, will be sent to the personnel center for decisions to be made and released in the Jan-Mar time frame. I’m not going to talk about what we requested… not because of “jinxing” (don’t believe in that) or anything, just that it is really pointless to lay out all the possibilities and talk about all the locations when it is such a short amount of time until the official announcement. I think we made good decisions about what to request based on what was available for both of us, and we just have to hope that the assignments officers agree.

This is sort of surreal in one aspect because I can’t believe we are talking about leaving England. Living here has been a dream come true, and I want the last 7 months to go by as slowly as possible, not rush them with talk of our next assignment. Strangely enough, however, all of this assignment talk has also made me think a lot recently about my time at Barksdale. Maybe it is because I have been talking to two of my mentors from there to ask their advice about my next job, but I have just had a lot of flashbacks to all of the good times I had at the 26th Operational Weather Squadron.

You all know by now that I was not excited to be assigned to Barksdale, and I was definitely not a fan of the Shreveport area, but I truly LOVED my squadron. Especially my second year there, when I had the chance to be a flight commander and Lt Col D was the squadron commander. He was an absolute phenomenon as a commander, the type of person who comes into a unit and transforms it along with all of the people in it just by the example he set and the things he empowered us to accomplish. I don’t think I really understood the concept of being the type of officer that your people want to follow into battle until I saw it in action with him. I would be the first to say that I would go anywhere to have the opportunity to work for him again. I am so blessed to have been given the chance to be a flight commander when I did at Barksdale. I worked with so many incredible people who taught me so much, and I wouldn’t give that up for the world.

It was amazing to watch the camaraderie and morale soar among squadron members under Lt Col D. I have so many treasured memories from that year. There was the group of us who decided to train for a half marathon and did increasingly long runs at morning PT, at some points being dropped off in the woods at the back of the base in the dark, following glow sticks dropped by our first sergeant (our fastest runner) so we didn’t get lost. There was the continuous joking and laughter with my amazing officemates (Maj W, MSgt R, and MSgt M) who made every day a good one, no matter how stressed or frustrated we were. There was the group I went skydiving with to re-enlist an airman while jumping from 14,000 feet. There were the camping trips in Texas with all the officers for professional development sessions. We started doing field training at a nearby Army site and I learned to drive a HUMVEE.

I could go on and on, but the point is, I had an incredible time and my life is better thanks to people at a place I never wanted to go in the first place. And I think that remembering all of these things is helping me have a peace about our next assignment, wherever it may be. I believe that God has a purpose for everything that happens in my life and every situation I am placed in. I also believe in Ephesians 3:20, that God is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine”. Even if I am disappointed in my next job or our next location, God already knows the joy I will experience in the future. While I was upset about being assigned to Barksdale, God already knew the adventures I would have here at Lakenheath, and that I would meet the man who will be my husband.

So for that reason, I am no longer waiting for news of our assignment in fear, but in anticipation of our next exciting step in life. I am so thankful for the blessing of having Martin home for the holidays after all of the time we were apart this year. I can’t wait to marry him next July and move into our first home together… wherever it is!

Good List:
1. Martin. I love the fact that I am teased by co-workers for being “young and in love” when I talk about how excited I am to spend time with him every day… I plan on that being true forever! :-)
2. Flavored Egg Nog. We were able to try Gingerbread and Cinnamon before the commissary ran out. Both yummy!
3. 4-Day Christmas Break. Enough said.
4. Snow! No accumulation yet, but we got flurries twice last week and it was beautiful while falling.
5. New Year’s trip. Berlin is booked! We will celebrate the arrival of 2012 at the biggest street party in Germany… excited!
6. Football. Penn State is in the TicketCity Bowl on Jan 2nd against Houston… stupid name but great opponent, should be a good game.
7. Skype. In the last week, we have talked to both sets of parents, Lisa in California, and Martin’s aunt in Indiana. We plan to “see” everyone again over the Christmas break!
8. New Daughtry CD. I also must thank Martin at this point for fixing my car speaker so I can actually listen to it! :-)
9. Surprises. Can’t wait for Martin to open his gifts on Christmas! ;-)
10. USPS. My mom sent a package of gifts on Thursday and it arrived here on Monday. Miracle!

Thankful

**Disclaimer: I started writing this over Thanksgiving weekend (just didn’t finish gathering
all of the pics and posting until now… sorry!)**

As I sit on the couch writing this, Martin is sitting next to me on my left, our Christmas tree
lights are glowing on my right, ornaments are shining and sparkling, a fire is burning in the fireplace in front of us, and a Toll House Chocolate Pie is baking in the kitchen. Need I say more about being thankful this season? :-) I apologize for my, umm, neglect of this blog over the last two months... life has just been so busy (in a good way) since Martin got home from
deployment that I haven't had time to write about it!

Since this is Thanksgiving weekend, I thought it would be most appropriate to bring you up to
speed with a list of things I have been thankful for over the last two months, with a picture for each one (because it may be a long time until I get all these albums on Facebook, haha). In
chronological order, here we go!

Thankful List:
1. Sep 26: Martin returned from his 5-month deployment!!!!! :-D I don't have a picture of us from
his homecoming, but here is the welcome home cake I made for him:

2. Oct 2: I ran the Loch Ness Marathon in Scotland. This was my third marathon, but due to my move and long work shifts, my training had gone down the tubes. The longest run I had done was a half-marathon (13.1 miles), 6 weeks earlier. I mentally prepared myself for a run-walk race: running for as long as I could, then taking walk breaks as necessary for what I expected would be the majority of the race. I told myself I would not care about time, I would just enjoy the scenery and look for Nessie (haha). I was thrilled that Martin got home in time to travel to the race with me, and our friend Laura was also along for the trip to run the 10K race.

Race day started miserably: I had to walk through a muddy field in my running shoes to get to the bus, then once we arrived at the start, it was raining steadily and frigidly cold. I have (self-diagnosed) wet shoe phobia, so I was a mental mess. It rained continuously for the first 6 miles, and it took about 3 miles to regain feeling in my frozen hands and feet. Once I got warmed up, however, things started to look up. After the rain stopped, it was still foggy, and running through the cool fog kept me from getting sweaty or overheated. The fog lessened around mile 8, and I could see the Loch, which was beautiful… it was the kind of day you could expect to see Nessie poke her head out of the water! Miraculously, I was able to keep running until mile 17, when I stopped at a porta-potty. After that, I took a few walk breaks, but once I got into the town of Inverness (just past mile 23), there were spectators lining the route cheering, and I could actually hear the announcer at the finish line on the other side of the river loop. That gave me the last mental boost I needed, and I said “let’s finish this.”

I ran the last 3 miles, smiling and waving at Martin and Laura as they cheered and took pictures on one side of the river, then crossed a bridge to watch me finish. I have no idea how this happened, but I finished my third marathon (the one I felt the least prepared for) in 4:37:11, a personal record by 21 minutes.

3. Oct 8-10: Dublin re-do! As you may remember, a group of friends and I had planned to go to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day back in March… but had to give up the trip when we were called to support military operations in Libya. Well, we finally made it up on a 3-day weekend in October. We toured the Guinness Factory, rode through the city in a horse-drawn carriage, and took a bus trip into the beautiful green countryside.

4. Oct 23: The Chicago Bears and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers came to play an NFL game in London, and the NFL gave 1000 free tickets to the Air Force bases at Lakenheath and Mildenhall. Martin and I were lucky enough to be given 2 of them, so we got on a bus with the rest of the crowd and spent the day at Wembley Arena. We participated in the pregame show by standing in a formation on the field holding up foam tiles to form the American and British flags, then watched the game from our (nosebleed section) seats. I got to see former Penn Stater Robbie Gould kick for the Bears!

5. Oct 29: A couple friends joined us for a concert and 10K run in Nottingham, one of our favorite English cities. Funny story about the run, however… it was Halloween weekend, so we wore costumes for the race. The start was at a sports center outside the city, and due to traffic from a soccer game letting out, our cabbie told us “just walk straight down this road…” Well, after 45 minutes of wandering and trying to follow signs, while being honked at by passing cars who appreciated our costumes, we never found the sports center and missed the race! We made up for it by running our own race back into town, and celebrated with a trip to Hooters for yummy chicken.

6. Nov 1-15: Mediterranean Cruise!!! Our long-awaited vacation (had been planned since June) to celebrate Martin’s return was everything we dreamed it would be. The destinations were incredible, the ship was fantastic, and we had so many amazing experiences that we will remember for a lifetime. I can’t decide on one favorite port, but the most picturesque was Santorini, Greece, with its stunning whitewashed houses and blue-domed churches… I had dreamed of going there ever since I saw the movie “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”, and it did not disappoint! Our most adventurous port was Corfu, Greece, where we took a bus to the other side of the island, found a beautiful deserted cove, went snorkeling, and took pictures of fish with the waterproof camera Martin gave me for my birthday.

7. Nov 25-26: After a relaxing Thanksgiving at home, we went down to London for a couple days. On Friday, we ate at Chipotle (a treat since it is the only location in the UK), shopped at our favorite 5-story toy store (Hamley’s), and enjoyed the Winter Wonderland festival in Hyde Park with some mulled wine, candied nuts, and carnival games (Martin won me a stuffed penguin!). The next morning, we went running in Hyde Park (something I needed to check off my “England bucket list”), then ice-skated at the Winter Wonderland rink. That afternoon was the Top Gear Live show at an arena just outside the city, with stunt driving, shiny expensive supercars, and the famous show hosts/comedians Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May.

That’s all the big events, but I’ll finish out my Thankful List to 10…

8. Christmas decorations! Thanks to Martin (I am a procrastinator), our tree is up and decorated before the end of November.

9. Christmas parties. We have two this year (my squadron and Martin’s), and I am excited to dress up and celebrate with our friends.

10. Wedding planning. Yes, this news is somewhat buried at the end of the post, but… we finally picked a wedding date! =D Martin and I will be married on July 21, 2012, in my hometown of Hampton, VA. I now have about 25 million things on my to-do list, which is slightly overwhelming, but I am so excited to finally have a date on the calendar! Many more updates to come, but for now I am thankful for the help of my parents, maid of honor Lisa, and bridesmaids Carrie and Jamie. Church is reserved, reception site is being investigated, and bridesmaid dresses are being considered. Yay!

Moving

Well, I am back in England after a very full week in Germany. I just downloaded 208 photos from my camera to my computer, and though the task of whittling those down to a manageable Facebook album is one I will save for tomorrow, here is a sneak peek of where I was:

Selecting photos for an album is always the hardest part for me, but this will be especially tough... it is IMPOSSIBLE to take a bad picture in the Alps! The mountains, small German towns, lush green grass, rushing rivers... that part of the world has an absolutely ethereal beauty. I felt like Julie Andrews and the Von Trapp children might run across the mountainside at any second.

Now that I am back from the conference, the task of moving is suddenly upon me. This week will be full of packing, and then a few very good friends will help me move large items and furniture to my new house on Saturday. The good news is that my TV service will be re-installed at the new place the next day, but the bad news is that it could take up to 3 weeks to get internet back - AAAAAAAH! :-( Looking at work-arounds now, but it could be a long 3 weeks.

Today I organized some stuff and made a lot of lists, tomorrow morning I will take some final pics of my house all set up and then begin to put things in boxes. It makes me sad to think that this is the last Sunday I will spend relaxing on my couch looking out over the patio and listening to rain fall on the conservatory roof. Tomorrow may be my last run to the windmill. I made some really great memories in this house with some really amazing people, and I am going to miss it. I am excited to live in Bury with Martin and so many of my friends, but this house and this town have been good to me and I am going to miss them.

Good List:

1. Martin. One morning in Germany, I checked my email to find this:

Does it get any more adorable? I think not. :-) Love him!

2. College football is back!!! My PSU Nittany Lions won our first game 41-7... we'll get a bigger test against Alabama next week, but I'm excited just to see Beaver Stadium live!

3. Long weekends. Not setting an alarm this morning was glorious, and I get to do it again tomorrow.

4. Turning acquaintances into friends.

5. Chicken tikka naan. My favorite wrap from my favorite kebab shop, which I plan to enjoy one more time before moving day.

6. Mountains. Every time I see them, I fall in love all over again.

7. Learning to be patient and gracious.

8. Surprises. I met a female Major at the conference who was a PSU alum, and when she was promoted to Lt Col in a ceremony on Sep 1st, she asked me to pin on her new rank! :)

9. Spatzle. Best German food EVER!

10. Successful fantasy football draft. First game next week!

Two Years Ago Today

I got on Facebook this morning, and after my perusal of a news feed dominated by posts about Hurricane Irene (stay safe, East Coast!) and an album of a friend's beautiful engagement photos, I noticed a link on the right side of my screen that said "On this day in 2009..." with a post I made exactly two years ago. Here is what it said:

"In 11 days, I will be going to spend a week at a resort in the German Alps. For work. I think I took off from Dallas last month and landed in a dream..."

As I read this, my reaction was one I really wasn't expecting. First, it is appropriate because I am going back to Germany for the same conference on Sunday. But I really felt that the reminder was bittersweet. It took me back to two years ago, when I had just arrived here and everything was new and exciting and I was so in love with everything and everyone around me. The world was at my fingertips and dreams were becoming reality. So why does reading that now bring twinges of sadness?

Maybe not so much sadness, but loss. Somewhere along the way, I let pressure, frustration, and long days at work leave me burned out and oblivious to one of the greatest gifts God has given me... the chance to live here and just LIVE THIS LIFE. How do I get that back?

We have today (Friday) off, which is a huge relief after four 14-16 hour workdays. I had a conversation yesterday with someone in the weather flight who is PCSing back to the States next week, and he was talking about how hard the time was between December and March preparing for our re-inspection after the failure. Maybe I never even admitted to myself what an emotional toll that time period took. And outside of that, I feel like I have lost a lot of patience with people in general, mostly due to my work environment. I find it much harder to keep my mouth shut if I feel that someone is making a bad decision. I am a lot less inclined to have sympathy for people who make excuses for not meeting standards or missing deadlines. And while in some cases that may not be a bad thing, I think it is very important that my overall approach to the world is one of love, hope, and joy... much like my old Facebook status.

We are currently studying Proverbs in OCF, and last week we read this verse: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." (Prov 16:9) I can apply this in various ways to several parts of my life, but what it made me think about today is how important it is to seek and see God in every aspect of every day. In the middle of my third 14-hour day in a row, I may feel like smacking the pilot who makes a crack about the weather forecast, or the person who whines about every small thing they have to do, or the leader who makes a decision that doesn't make sense. But the truth is, God has directed me to be in all of those situations, and my attitude needs to reflect that.

My hope and prayer for this Germany trip next week is that I remember why being here in Europe means so much to me. I want to fall in love with the beauty all over again and be thankful for everything I have been given.

Good List:
1. Martin. Yesterday we celebrated his 30th birthday on Skype! I got to watch him open his gifts in the morning and then later talked to him on the DSN phone at work. I was so happy that he had a wonderful day (complete with steak and bowling) even though we could not be together in person. Only a little over a month until he comes home! :-D
2. Photo albums I keep forgetting to tell you I posted. Most have already seen these on Facebook, but just in case, here are:
Spring 2011 https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150695358560002.703441.701905001&l=a2c2c7cb9d&type=1
USA Trip May 2011 https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150733726485002.714017.701905001&l=4c88a5e7ad&type=1
Brighton Beach & July 4th https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150742393150002.716865.701905001&l=524280281a&type=1
Three Peaks Challenge https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150743997540002.717501.701905001&l=a235fd0622&type=1
3. Chicken tikka masala and garlic naan. How did I never know how amazing Indian food was until I got over here?
4. Finding joy in small things. An alarm clock going off at 0215 is no fun, but driving to work at 0300 means zero traffic and a sky full of incredible stars.
5. I found a house! It is in Bury St Edmunds within walking distance of Martin's house and the town center, and is in a nice residential area with a yard, driveway, and garage. The rental agency has been amazing, they are experienced with renting to military and have pushed all the paperwork quickly and with no issues. Moving day is set for Saturday, September 10th! :-)
6. Good chick flicks.
7. Lisa's Big Adventure. My little sister made it to LA, found an apartment, and is now in Manila, Phillippines, for a 3-week mission trip before returning to LA to start her urban ministry internship. Follow her at http://lisakeller9.wordpress.com/!
8. People who inspire me. I started a post on this a week ago, and while it is now sitting unfinished in the "post graveyard" (as cousin and fellow blogger Amy likes to call it), I don't plan on it staying there!
9. Uncle Ben's Brown Rice packets. 90 seconds in the microwave.
10. Fantasy Football draft tomorrow! I am nervous to play for the first time, but excited about picking my team and getting into the season.

Closed Doors

I'm about a week overdue on celebrating my 2-year anniversary here in England. That's a little (okay, a lot) scary to write, because it seems like just yesterday I was celebrating my 1-year anniversary and being thankful that I still had 2 years to go, because I didn't want to start thinking about the "lasts" I would have in my final year. And now here it is. July 29, 2009, I arrived... and in July 2012, I will leave. So this is my last August in England. Instead of being sad about this, I want to embrace every moment and make all of the "lasts" as sweet as I can.

I'll be honest, the last month has been a pretty emotional one for me... some good, but for the most part it has been challenging. Doors closing, failures, frustrations, and things that have made me question whether I have what it takes. For various reasons, I won't go into detail on most of those things for now, but I'll talk about one that had a big impact, because I think I've turned a corner and learned from it.

This will be a short story about a door that wasn't just closed, but slammed in my face. I mentioned about a month ago that I was asked to move out of my house by October so that my landlords could sell it. Though it wasn't what I wanted, I agreed because I believed it was the right thing to do given the circumstances. So I began house-hunting, and after about a week, I stumbled upon an unbelievably perfect house.

It was a completely restored 17th-century thatched-roof cottage, and it was the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I was in love from the moment I walked through the rose-covered archway at the gate. It was immaculate inside and out, including a modern kitchen with dishwasher, beautifully landscaped gardens bursting with flowers, and not one but TWO garages. I'm not going to post a picture, because I'm not a masochist (it still hurts to click past it on the property search websites), but if you have ever tried to imagine the perfect English cottage, just know that's what it was like.

I put in an application the day after I visited it. Though I tried not to get my hopes up, it was just so incredible that I couldn't resist telling my close friends and co-workers. A week later, on a Friday, the rental agency called to tell me that my application was approved, and asked when I wanted to move in. I may or may not have squealed in the ear of the agent and did a happy dance in the parking lot of the Lakenheath gym. I spent the weekend on cloud nine, picturing how I would arrange all of my furniture, and dreaming about making memories with friends in my beautiful new home.

Paperwork began on Monday, but it wasn't until Wednesday that disaster struck. I got a phone call at work from the property manager (who I had never met, and was not part of the rental agency). He asked if I was US military, and when I said that I was, he told me that he had had a bad experience with a US military tenant a few years ago, who had left unpaid rent and utility bills, and thus he had decided never to rent to a US military person again. He said in a short, business-like tone that he was sorry, but he would refund my application fee and move on.

My mind raced between disbelief and panic, searching for something to say. I apologized for the disrespect and irresponsibility of the past tenant. I explained all of the policies in place to ensure we fulfill our requirements to British landlords. I told him about my decision to move as a favor to my current landlords. I offered additional professional and personal references on myself. And I told him how I felt about the cottage and how much it meant to me. I laid out everything I had... and he still said no.

I felt like a dream had been ripped away from me and shattered. I cried for about two days straight. I realize that at this point, most (maybe all) of you are thinking "it's just a house, get over it." And I get that. I'm just being honest. It was as if something that was mine (or that I had believed to be mine from Friday-Wednesday) had been taken from me, something that I had visualized as part of my life. And the reason was something completely out of my control. In 26 years, I have never felt discriminated against until that day. I realize now how blessed I have been, to not have experienced the sense of helplessness and despair when you are denied something based not on who you are, but a stereotype you are associated with.

Though it still hurts to think about losing the cottage, some good news in another area came through the next week that helped me put everything in perspective. Martin had applied for an extension on his assignment here so that his move date (March) would match mine (July) and in turn we would be in the same assignment cycle and could get married in time to ask the Air Force to assign us together. While it initially didn't look promising, prayers were answered and AFPC came through with an approval! I can't even begin to explain the joy and relief that came with this news. It still does not guarantee a joint assignment, but our odds just skyrocketed.

Still no wedding date set, but we are moving into checking time frames with family, so that makes me really excited!!! I told Martin that this news almost prompted me to pick a house at random from the property search site and move, because it mattered so little in comparison to the joy of a future with him. :-D (I didn't pick the random house, though... still have time to look!)

Good List:
1. Martin. I can't wait to marry him!!! :-) Sometimes it amazes me how he knows exactly what I am thinking before I even figure it out myself.
2. Cool evenings with windows open and breezes blowing though the house.
3. Talk of football season beginning! I am playing fantasy football with Martin's squadron this year, and of course I can't wait to see my Penn State Nittany Lions in action.
4. Odwalla strawberry banana smoothies.
5. Lisa. My amazing little sister is driving across the country this week to begin her new job in urban ministry in LA. So proud! :-) Follow her blog at http://lisakeller9.wordpress.com/
6. Good friends and making new good friends. :-)
7. Second SOS test complete! Only one to go...
8. The commissary sandwich bar.
9. A gas safety inspector who actually arrived in the first 10 minutes of the 3-hour window I was given to wait.
10. Seeing a rainbow out my hallway window on my first look outside one morning. :-)

Being Real

This post has been marinating in my brain for a while now, but after an incredible weekend spent with some of the people who inspired it, I decided it was time to write it (though it's getting slightly late and I still need to catch up on sleep from the weekend!).

It took me a while to realize this about myself, but after Martin left on his deployment, I went through a sort of identity crisis. I was so determined not to be one of those women who disappears from society while her significant other is gone, who ignores her friends, who sits around and doesn't do anything because her man isn't there. I love Martin, but I felt like I had something to prove, that I had to define myself without him here.

So I threw myself at every social opportunity that presented itself. I went to events hosted by friends of friends, I went out on nights when I would have so much rather gone to bed, I talked up people I barely knew... just to widen my percieved social network and keep my calendar full. Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about meeting new people or making new friends... the problem was that the person I was putting out there wasn't really ME. I was laughing at things I didn't really think were funny, I acted interested in things I didn't really care to hear about, and I put a high priority on things that didn't really matter.

Then one day I had lunch with two friends from my OCF Bible study. During that lunch, I started laughing at something one of them said, and all of a sudden it hit me how EASY this was... my laugh was real, and my smile wasn't forced. During that whole conversation, not once did I worry about what they were thinking of me. We talked about some deep real life issues, and not once did I filter what I was saying. Not once did I feel judged, intimidated, or overshadowed. As I drove away, the contrast continued to strike me, and I realized how utterly exhausting it was to put on the show I had been doing for the past couple weeks. That one hour with my OCF friends was like a breath of fresh air.

You would think that by age 26, the "be yourself" lesson would have been learned already, but I guess we all need reminders sometimes. Maybe I did need to define what my life would be like with Martin on the other side of the planet for a while, but I didn't need to redefine ME. Who I am is the same, and what I need is to fill my time with people who accept me for me and help me to become a better person. I need to do things that matter and things that benefit others around me. What I DON'T need is to waste my time trying to conform myself into a scene I never belonged in the first place.

One of the things that first impressed me about Martin, and one of the things that I still admire the most about him, is how honest he is about who he is. He never concerns himself with what the "right people" think, he does what he believes is right and never backs down on things he is passionate about. I guess in that sense, it is kind of ironic that I went the complete opposite direction without him around, but he is one of the people who has helped me over the last few weeks to become confident in the "real me" again. I love how he never tells me I can't do something. He always encourages me to set new goals, achieve new things, and defy any doubts I have in my abilities.

The two OCF friends I mentioned earlier have also been a huge inspiration to me. They are a couple who have both done amazing things in their lives, but would never be the ones to tell you about it. They are humble, caring, honest people who love God and everyone around them. I am so excited to have them as friends!

This past weekend, I went with a group of 15 people (about half from OCF) to complete the Three Peaks Challenge - hike the highest mountains in Scotland, England, and Wales within 24 hours. I plan to write a post about it with more details and pictures later, but the point I wanted to make today is that I could not have had a better group of people to tackle this challenge with. It was HARD, admittedly much harder than I anticipated. But everyone supported and encouraged each other the whole way, through blisters, rain, sleep deprivation, everything.

On the last mountain, about a third of the way up, my quad muscles were at the point of failure and I slowed to a stop, ready to admit defeat. But then one friend talked me into going a bit farther... and then a bit farther, every time I wanted to quit. When the two of us finished the third mountain to complete the Challenge, 13 minutes before the 24-hour cutoff, I couldn't help myself from tearing up with joy. This amazing group of friends helped me do something that a lot of people wouldn't believe I could do, something that maybe I didn't even believe I could really do.

So this week, I am thankful for the real things in my life. My real God, real love, and real friends who remind me what real life is about.