I got on Facebook this morning, and after my perusal of a news feed dominated by posts about Hurricane Irene (stay safe, East Coast!) and an album of a friend's beautiful engagement photos, I noticed a link on the right side of my screen that said "On this day in 2009..." with a post I made exactly two years ago. Here is what it said:
"In 11 days, I will be going to spend a week at a resort in the German Alps. For work. I think I took off from Dallas last month and landed in a dream..."
As I read this, my reaction was one I really wasn't expecting. First, it is appropriate because I am going back to Germany for the same conference on Sunday. But I really felt that the reminder was bittersweet. It took me back to two years ago, when I had just arrived here and everything was new and exciting and I was so in love with everything and everyone around me. The world was at my fingertips and dreams were becoming reality. So why does reading that now bring twinges of sadness?
Maybe not so much sadness, but loss. Somewhere along the way, I let pressure, frustration, and long days at work leave me burned out and oblivious to one of the greatest gifts God has given me... the chance to live here and just LIVE THIS LIFE. How do I get that back?
We have today (Friday) off, which is a huge relief after four 14-16 hour workdays. I had a conversation yesterday with someone in the weather flight who is PCSing back to the States next week, and he was talking about how hard the time was between December and March preparing for our re-inspection after the failure. Maybe I never even admitted to myself what an emotional toll that time period took. And outside of that, I feel like I have lost a lot of patience with people in general, mostly due to my work environment. I find it much harder to keep my mouth shut if I feel that someone is making a bad decision. I am a lot less inclined to have sympathy for people who make excuses for not meeting standards or missing deadlines. And while in some cases that may not be a bad thing, I think it is very important that my overall approach to the world is one of love, hope, and joy... much like my old Facebook status.
We are currently studying Proverbs in OCF, and last week we read this verse: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." (Prov 16:9) I can apply this in various ways to several parts of my life, but what it made me think about today is how important it is to seek and see God in every aspect of every day. In the middle of my third 14-hour day in a row, I may feel like smacking the pilot who makes a crack about the weather forecast, or the person who whines about every small thing they have to do, or the leader who makes a decision that doesn't make sense. But the truth is, God has directed me to be in all of those situations, and my attitude needs to reflect that.
My hope and prayer for this Germany trip next week is that I remember why being here in Europe means so much to me. I want to fall in love with the beauty all over again and be thankful for everything I have been given.
Good List:
1. Martin. Yesterday we celebrated his 30th birthday on Skype! I got to watch him open his gifts in the morning and then later talked to him on the DSN phone at work. I was so happy that he had a wonderful day (complete with steak and bowling) even though we could not be together in person. Only a little over a month until he comes home! :-D
2. Photo albums I keep forgetting to tell you I posted. Most have already seen these on Facebook, but just in case, here are:
Spring 2011 https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150695358560002.703441.701905001&l=a2c2c7cb9d&type=1
USA Trip May 2011 https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150733726485002.714017.701905001&l=4c88a5e7ad&type=1
Brighton Beach & July 4th https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150742393150002.716865.701905001&l=524280281a&type=1
Three Peaks Challenge https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150743997540002.717501.701905001&l=a235fd0622&type=1
3. Chicken tikka masala and garlic naan. How did I never know how amazing Indian food was until I got over here?
4. Finding joy in small things. An alarm clock going off at 0215 is no fun, but driving to work at 0300 means zero traffic and a sky full of incredible stars.
5. I found a house! It is in Bury St Edmunds within walking distance of Martin's house and the town center, and is in a nice residential area with a yard, driveway, and garage. The rental agency has been amazing, they are experienced with renting to military and have pushed all the paperwork quickly and with no issues. Moving day is set for Saturday, September 10th! :-)
6. Good chick flicks.
7. Lisa's Big Adventure. My little sister made it to LA, found an apartment, and is now in Manila, Phillippines, for a 3-week mission trip before returning to LA to start her urban ministry internship. Follow her at http://lisakeller9.wordpress.com/!
8. People who inspire me. I started a post on this a week ago, and while it is now sitting unfinished in the "post graveyard" (as cousin and fellow blogger Amy likes to call it), I don't plan on it staying there!
9. Uncle Ben's Brown Rice packets. 90 seconds in the microwave.
10. Fantasy Football draft tomorrow! I am nervous to play for the first time, but excited about picking my team and getting into the season.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Closed Doors
I'm about a week overdue on celebrating my 2-year anniversary here in England. That's a little (okay, a lot) scary to write, because it seems like just yesterday I was celebrating my 1-year anniversary and being thankful that I still had 2 years to go, because I didn't want to start thinking about the "lasts" I would have in my final year. And now here it is. July 29, 2009, I arrived... and in July 2012, I will leave. So this is my last August in England. Instead of being sad about this, I want to embrace every moment and make all of the "lasts" as sweet as I can.
I'll be honest, the last month has been a pretty emotional one for me... some good, but for the most part it has been challenging. Doors closing, failures, frustrations, and things that have made me question whether I have what it takes. For various reasons, I won't go into detail on most of those things for now, but I'll talk about one that had a big impact, because I think I've turned a corner and learned from it.
This will be a short story about a door that wasn't just closed, but slammed in my face. I mentioned about a month ago that I was asked to move out of my house by October so that my landlords could sell it. Though it wasn't what I wanted, I agreed because I believed it was the right thing to do given the circumstances. So I began house-hunting, and after about a week, I stumbled upon an unbelievably perfect house.
It was a completely restored 17th-century thatched-roof cottage, and it was the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I was in love from the moment I walked through the rose-covered archway at the gate. It was immaculate inside and out, including a modern kitchen with dishwasher, beautifully landscaped gardens bursting with flowers, and not one but TWO garages. I'm not going to post a picture, because I'm not a masochist (it still hurts to click past it on the property search websites), but if you have ever tried to imagine the perfect English cottage, just know that's what it was like.
I put in an application the day after I visited it. Though I tried not to get my hopes up, it was just so incredible that I couldn't resist telling my close friends and co-workers. A week later, on a Friday, the rental agency called to tell me that my application was approved, and asked when I wanted to move in. I may or may not have squealed in the ear of the agent and did a happy dance in the parking lot of the Lakenheath gym. I spent the weekend on cloud nine, picturing how I would arrange all of my furniture, and dreaming about making memories with friends in my beautiful new home.
Paperwork began on Monday, but it wasn't until Wednesday that disaster struck. I got a phone call at work from the property manager (who I had never met, and was not part of the rental agency). He asked if I was US military, and when I said that I was, he told me that he had had a bad experience with a US military tenant a few years ago, who had left unpaid rent and utility bills, and thus he had decided never to rent to a US military person again. He said in a short, business-like tone that he was sorry, but he would refund my application fee and move on.
My mind raced between disbelief and panic, searching for something to say. I apologized for the disrespect and irresponsibility of the past tenant. I explained all of the policies in place to ensure we fulfill our requirements to British landlords. I told him about my decision to move as a favor to my current landlords. I offered additional professional and personal references on myself. And I told him how I felt about the cottage and how much it meant to me. I laid out everything I had... and he still said no.
I felt like a dream had been ripped away from me and shattered. I cried for about two days straight. I realize that at this point, most (maybe all) of you are thinking "it's just a house, get over it." And I get that. I'm just being honest. It was as if something that was mine (or that I had believed to be mine from Friday-Wednesday) had been taken from me, something that I had visualized as part of my life. And the reason was something completely out of my control. In 26 years, I have never felt discriminated against until that day. I realize now how blessed I have been, to not have experienced the sense of helplessness and despair when you are denied something based not on who you are, but a stereotype you are associated with.
Though it still hurts to think about losing the cottage, some good news in another area came through the next week that helped me put everything in perspective. Martin had applied for an extension on his assignment here so that his move date (March) would match mine (July) and in turn we would be in the same assignment cycle and could get married in time to ask the Air Force to assign us together. While it initially didn't look promising, prayers were answered and AFPC came through with an approval! I can't even begin to explain the joy and relief that came with this news. It still does not guarantee a joint assignment, but our odds just skyrocketed.
Still no wedding date set, but we are moving into checking time frames with family, so that makes me really excited!!! I told Martin that this news almost prompted me to pick a house at random from the property search site and move, because it mattered so little in comparison to the joy of a future with him. :-D (I didn't pick the random house, though... still have time to look!)
Good List:
1. Martin. I can't wait to marry him!!! :-) Sometimes it amazes me how he knows exactly what I am thinking before I even figure it out myself.
2. Cool evenings with windows open and breezes blowing though the house.
3. Talk of football season beginning! I am playing fantasy football with Martin's squadron this year, and of course I can't wait to see my Penn State Nittany Lions in action.
4. Odwalla strawberry banana smoothies.
5. Lisa. My amazing little sister is driving across the country this week to begin her new job in urban ministry in LA. So proud! :-) Follow her blog at http://lisakeller9.wordpress.com/
6. Good friends and making new good friends. :-)
7. Second SOS test complete! Only one to go...
8. The commissary sandwich bar.
9. A gas safety inspector who actually arrived in the first 10 minutes of the 3-hour window I was given to wait.
10. Seeing a rainbow out my hallway window on my first look outside one morning. :-)
I'll be honest, the last month has been a pretty emotional one for me... some good, but for the most part it has been challenging. Doors closing, failures, frustrations, and things that have made me question whether I have what it takes. For various reasons, I won't go into detail on most of those things for now, but I'll talk about one that had a big impact, because I think I've turned a corner and learned from it.
This will be a short story about a door that wasn't just closed, but slammed in my face. I mentioned about a month ago that I was asked to move out of my house by October so that my landlords could sell it. Though it wasn't what I wanted, I agreed because I believed it was the right thing to do given the circumstances. So I began house-hunting, and after about a week, I stumbled upon an unbelievably perfect house.
It was a completely restored 17th-century thatched-roof cottage, and it was the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I was in love from the moment I walked through the rose-covered archway at the gate. It was immaculate inside and out, including a modern kitchen with dishwasher, beautifully landscaped gardens bursting with flowers, and not one but TWO garages. I'm not going to post a picture, because I'm not a masochist (it still hurts to click past it on the property search websites), but if you have ever tried to imagine the perfect English cottage, just know that's what it was like.
I put in an application the day after I visited it. Though I tried not to get my hopes up, it was just so incredible that I couldn't resist telling my close friends and co-workers. A week later, on a Friday, the rental agency called to tell me that my application was approved, and asked when I wanted to move in. I may or may not have squealed in the ear of the agent and did a happy dance in the parking lot of the Lakenheath gym. I spent the weekend on cloud nine, picturing how I would arrange all of my furniture, and dreaming about making memories with friends in my beautiful new home.
Paperwork began on Monday, but it wasn't until Wednesday that disaster struck. I got a phone call at work from the property manager (who I had never met, and was not part of the rental agency). He asked if I was US military, and when I said that I was, he told me that he had had a bad experience with a US military tenant a few years ago, who had left unpaid rent and utility bills, and thus he had decided never to rent to a US military person again. He said in a short, business-like tone that he was sorry, but he would refund my application fee and move on.
My mind raced between disbelief and panic, searching for something to say. I apologized for the disrespect and irresponsibility of the past tenant. I explained all of the policies in place to ensure we fulfill our requirements to British landlords. I told him about my decision to move as a favor to my current landlords. I offered additional professional and personal references on myself. And I told him how I felt about the cottage and how much it meant to me. I laid out everything I had... and he still said no.
I felt like a dream had been ripped away from me and shattered. I cried for about two days straight. I realize that at this point, most (maybe all) of you are thinking "it's just a house, get over it." And I get that. I'm just being honest. It was as if something that was mine (or that I had believed to be mine from Friday-Wednesday) had been taken from me, something that I had visualized as part of my life. And the reason was something completely out of my control. In 26 years, I have never felt discriminated against until that day. I realize now how blessed I have been, to not have experienced the sense of helplessness and despair when you are denied something based not on who you are, but a stereotype you are associated with.
Though it still hurts to think about losing the cottage, some good news in another area came through the next week that helped me put everything in perspective. Martin had applied for an extension on his assignment here so that his move date (March) would match mine (July) and in turn we would be in the same assignment cycle and could get married in time to ask the Air Force to assign us together. While it initially didn't look promising, prayers were answered and AFPC came through with an approval! I can't even begin to explain the joy and relief that came with this news. It still does not guarantee a joint assignment, but our odds just skyrocketed.
Still no wedding date set, but we are moving into checking time frames with family, so that makes me really excited!!! I told Martin that this news almost prompted me to pick a house at random from the property search site and move, because it mattered so little in comparison to the joy of a future with him. :-D (I didn't pick the random house, though... still have time to look!)
Good List:
1. Martin. I can't wait to marry him!!! :-) Sometimes it amazes me how he knows exactly what I am thinking before I even figure it out myself.
2. Cool evenings with windows open and breezes blowing though the house.
3. Talk of football season beginning! I am playing fantasy football with Martin's squadron this year, and of course I can't wait to see my Penn State Nittany Lions in action.
4. Odwalla strawberry banana smoothies.
5. Lisa. My amazing little sister is driving across the country this week to begin her new job in urban ministry in LA. So proud! :-) Follow her blog at http://lisakeller9.wordpress.com/
6. Good friends and making new good friends. :-)
7. Second SOS test complete! Only one to go...
8. The commissary sandwich bar.
9. A gas safety inspector who actually arrived in the first 10 minutes of the 3-hour window I was given to wait.
10. Seeing a rainbow out my hallway window on my first look outside one morning. :-)
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