Being Real

This post has been marinating in my brain for a while now, but after an incredible weekend spent with some of the people who inspired it, I decided it was time to write it (though it's getting slightly late and I still need to catch up on sleep from the weekend!).

It took me a while to realize this about myself, but after Martin left on his deployment, I went through a sort of identity crisis. I was so determined not to be one of those women who disappears from society while her significant other is gone, who ignores her friends, who sits around and doesn't do anything because her man isn't there. I love Martin, but I felt like I had something to prove, that I had to define myself without him here.

So I threw myself at every social opportunity that presented itself. I went to events hosted by friends of friends, I went out on nights when I would have so much rather gone to bed, I talked up people I barely knew... just to widen my percieved social network and keep my calendar full. Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about meeting new people or making new friends... the problem was that the person I was putting out there wasn't really ME. I was laughing at things I didn't really think were funny, I acted interested in things I didn't really care to hear about, and I put a high priority on things that didn't really matter.

Then one day I had lunch with two friends from my OCF Bible study. During that lunch, I started laughing at something one of them said, and all of a sudden it hit me how EASY this was... my laugh was real, and my smile wasn't forced. During that whole conversation, not once did I worry about what they were thinking of me. We talked about some deep real life issues, and not once did I filter what I was saying. Not once did I feel judged, intimidated, or overshadowed. As I drove away, the contrast continued to strike me, and I realized how utterly exhausting it was to put on the show I had been doing for the past couple weeks. That one hour with my OCF friends was like a breath of fresh air.

You would think that by age 26, the "be yourself" lesson would have been learned already, but I guess we all need reminders sometimes. Maybe I did need to define what my life would be like with Martin on the other side of the planet for a while, but I didn't need to redefine ME. Who I am is the same, and what I need is to fill my time with people who accept me for me and help me to become a better person. I need to do things that matter and things that benefit others around me. What I DON'T need is to waste my time trying to conform myself into a scene I never belonged in the first place.

One of the things that first impressed me about Martin, and one of the things that I still admire the most about him, is how honest he is about who he is. He never concerns himself with what the "right people" think, he does what he believes is right and never backs down on things he is passionate about. I guess in that sense, it is kind of ironic that I went the complete opposite direction without him around, but he is one of the people who has helped me over the last few weeks to become confident in the "real me" again. I love how he never tells me I can't do something. He always encourages me to set new goals, achieve new things, and defy any doubts I have in my abilities.

The two OCF friends I mentioned earlier have also been a huge inspiration to me. They are a couple who have both done amazing things in their lives, but would never be the ones to tell you about it. They are humble, caring, honest people who love God and everyone around them. I am so excited to have them as friends!

This past weekend, I went with a group of 15 people (about half from OCF) to complete the Three Peaks Challenge - hike the highest mountains in Scotland, England, and Wales within 24 hours. I plan to write a post about it with more details and pictures later, but the point I wanted to make today is that I could not have had a better group of people to tackle this challenge with. It was HARD, admittedly much harder than I anticipated. But everyone supported and encouraged each other the whole way, through blisters, rain, sleep deprivation, everything.

On the last mountain, about a third of the way up, my quad muscles were at the point of failure and I slowed to a stop, ready to admit defeat. But then one friend talked me into going a bit farther... and then a bit farther, every time I wanted to quit. When the two of us finished the third mountain to complete the Challenge, 13 minutes before the 24-hour cutoff, I couldn't help myself from tearing up with joy. This amazing group of friends helped me do something that a lot of people wouldn't believe I could do, something that maybe I didn't even believe I could really do.

So this week, I am thankful for the real things in my life. My real God, real love, and real friends who remind me what real life is about.