Life... and Time

Arg... so much to catch up on, but there is a post I have been trying to type up for almost a month now, and I think it is finally going to happen tonight. However, it may not be what you are expecting... I want to take a break from the "travel diary" aspect of this blog to write about some things that have been bouncing around in my head recently. (So I guess that is my disclaimer, serious blog ahead vs. fun travel stuff...)

A lot of things have happened recently to highlight (for me, at least), the fragility of life... in the sense that it is so easily gone. I found out via Facebook the other day that a guy I dated briefly in high school had died... 3 years ago. Obviously, we had not kept in touch, but it is still unsettling to think that someone you shared time with as a young person not so long ago is no longer alive. On the same Facebook page, someone had listed 5 other members of that high school class (he was a year older than me) who had also died. I knew 4 of them... and had only heard about one of the deaths. Again, I was not close to any of them, but it is so weird to think about how I knew these people as high school kids. I mean, high school is that time when everyone is just so focused on the future and excited about plans for life... and none of those plans include dying before your 10-year high school reunion. Whether we admit it or not, it just forces the question... why them? Or even closer to home... why not me?

A friend of mine just lost his 23-year-old brother in a car accident... only two years after his mother's death. I have a 20-year-old sister and a mother who I both love very much... why have I been so blessed to have them still alive and very much a part of my life, while my friend has had to deal with the unimaginable pain of losing not just one, but both? Another friend and his family received news that their 4-year-old son might have lymphoma. He is currently undergoing tests to make a final diagnosis, but what must be going through the minds of those parents? The fear of not knowing whether your small child is going to face the horrors of cancer treatments with no cure, or he could just be anemic? The human body is such a strange thing... we all (at least sometimes) go through life feeling invincible... when in reality the human body is susceptible to so many things. I mean, all the body is is a mass of soft tissue and relatively breakable bones... what are our chances against speeding cars, falls, diseases, weapons, etc? Any of those things can extinguish life in a moment.

Another event brought to my attention by Facebook was the one-year anniversary of the death of a female Air Force intel Lieutenant from a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. I did not know this girl, but we had several mutual friends, who were all devastated by the news of her death a year ago. I could try to explain why this event hits so close to home for me, but first, I think you should read something I read a year ago, posted just after she died: http://www.vamortgagecenter.com/blog/2009/05/21/god-speed-1lt-roslyn-l-schulte/

Wow. I can't read that without crying, and I didn't even know Roslyn. But you know what? I feel like I could have. Maybe if I had known her, we would have been friends. Or even more, when I read that story, her name could represent so many of my friends. Having been in the Air Force for almost 4 years now, the majority of people I know have deployed, and we all will at some point. The fighter squadron I got to know at Red Flag is currently deployed. In an ABC news video from the deployed area, I saw the guys I sat around a table laughing with at PF Changs in Vegas now flying combat missions over Afghanistan. When people deploy from here, you never really think that they might not come back. I bet everyone expected Roslyn to come back too.

So what do you do, knowing that your life and the lives of those you love are so fragile? Do you live in fear, wondering every minute whether you will see another sunrise, whether everyone you know will survive driving to and from work, whether the goodbye you say to a friend will be the last one? How would your brain even function if you did that? What kind of life would that be?

And here's another thing to bounce around... I've been thinking a lot lately about time. There are so many Bible passages that speak of everything coming in God's time, not ours. I'll admit these are sometimes a frustrating, if not painful, read when there is something in life I want NOW, not later. But why is it so hard to trust when it has proven to be true so many times in my life? I've used this example before, but I literally felt like God had slammed the door on my dreams when I was assigned to Louisiana instead of Germany. 4 years later, I'm living in England and have never been happier in my life. God knew ALL along about the joy I would find here... why was it so hard for me to believe something like this could be in store? And why now, when I see something in front of me that I want so badly, do I still find it so hard to wait until God makes the time right for me to have it?

I guess it just seems like there are two different aspects of life to think about. Yes, I want things to happen in my life according to God's time. But with life being so obviously not guaranteed from one day to the next, I feel like time might just run out, that I'll miss out on something. How can these two aspects ever be reconciled?

So here's what I think. As much as I hate to use a cliche, I really believe the truth behind the saying "Life is what happens while you're making other plans." Driving home from a softball game the other night while the sun was setting, I watched the sky turn the most amazing shades of pink, red, and orange above the bright green fields dotted with fluffy white sheep. My brain had been running a million miles an hour being frustrated about a situation, but it grinded to a halt to take in the beauty of the scence. It reminded me of how lucky I am to be here, and I started thinking about all of the unbelievable experiences I have had, all of the amazing people I have gotten to know. Yes, there are things I want to happen in the future. But I can't let that overshadow the beauty of things that are happening NOW. These are the times I will look back on as some of the best in my life. I can't live them being afraid of what will or will not happen in the future.

This post was not intended to be depressing. The point is actually the opposite, that life is too beautiful to be depressing. Little things like spending a night laughing with friends, walking around town in the warm sunshine, eating a perfectly grilled steak... these are the things that bring a smile to your face without even trying. My cousin Amy writes a blog, and I absolutely love her "Good Lists"... lists of good things in her life that particular day/week, ranging from serious/sentimental (like her husband) to minute/laughable (like coffee). They always make me smile and wish I wrote more "Good Lists", whether actually in writing or just in my mind.

So as I wrap this up, my mood is thankful. It is through the joy that God has brought me in my life that I can trust Him with my future, at the same time that I say a prayer for the families dealing with the pain of things I cannot comprehend. Life is beautiful and something to be treasured... I want to realize that instead of letting it just pass me by.